I'm not used to feeling so intensely close to someone new without there being sex involved. I'm not used to really deeply enjoying being with someone I've only known a few months, looking forward to the next time I'll see them, feeling excited when they contact me, without that being the delicious honeymoon of a new romance. Without my clitoris partly driving it.
Because its not a common situation, I don't feel that security of walking a familiar path. I don't have any idea what comes next. I don't know him well enough to feel confident of my place in his life when he does find a compatible partner and begin the monogamous relationship that he wants.
So its a bit scary.
Its also interesting how I feel when I don't have the pressure release of orgasm to regulate my emotional energy. When I can't direct this closeness and budding love into sexual entangling.
Physically touching him is pleasing in all sorts of ways. The snuggles feel post coital cosy rather than foreplay titillating. But then I'm used to hugging people I feel close to and that being really really good. Its just that it usually takes years for that to evolve, without the catalyst of sex to speed up the emotional attachment.
Perhaps its because we've both opened up to each other? We are very very similar in many different ways. And that includes scars, and the ways that we deal with them. Seeing the scars in each other, we both gradually unveiled, trusting that the other would understand and not freak out. Maybe exposing and trusting the other with our most vulnerable, delicate parts of our psyche fulfilled a similar function that normally would have been achieved by baring and caressing each other's genitals? Certainly, he held and nurtured and stroked those sensitive, raw places that I normally keep well wrapped up and hidden. He gently kissed my soul.
Whatever happens next, I am grateful to have experienced something both new and good. Although I remain nervous about how our relationship can develop, as it is so new and unknown, I try to relax and trust that I can trust and relax about it. Even though becoming attached to someone means intense pain when it is severed, I have never regretted the relationship because of later grief, whether the loss was due to death or breakup.
And of the many new lessons and challenges I feel constantly bombarded with, having one that is so delicious is a blessing.