* Vince and Anna's nonwedding was lovely.  Was preceded by 4 days of shopping (not so lovely) and other organising work.  On the day, they felt everything happened around them without them being aware of how or needing to worry about it themselves - so job done then for us on the organising team! :)  The organising team was mostly their ex's (primarily me and Andy (Anna's ex)) as well as Anna's family.  I still managed to enjoy the day.  The service itself was beautiful.  We were sat in 2-3 concentric circles under a massive tree.  It was a Quaker service so mostly was sat in silence.  It was incredibly moving hear them speak their declarations of love and respect for each other.  Is there anything more beautiful than witnessing someone you love be in a fulfilling, loving relationship?  They really grok each other and their love stems from that, not from some projected "perfect" image of each other.  It makes me very very happy to see Vince (who I've known/loved for over a decade) seen for all of who he is by Anna, and clearly adored and respected for all of that.

The next day I had some brief wibbles to do with fears of losing his friendship / being excluded triggered by really silly issues (I'm not in any of the "official" photos, partly due to running an errand (the milk had been left behind!) and because they had "family" in the later photos - it was being not included as family that rather childishly really hurt).  After I'd got over the acute painful phase, I had a productive chat with him where we agreed he would spend some alone time with me. :)

* Flying to Switzerland was the predictable unpleasant experience that having to comply with security, state control, officialdom, and then the flight itself was always going to be.

Its lovely to be here though.  Had lots of supportive, loving contact with both Lisa and Nick in the past week, both wishing me well for my time with Paolo.  Thats just meant I feel bathed in blessings - to have such amazing people in my life in such a meaningful way.  Is really good to be able to be there for them as well.  I feel so priviledged.  So honoured.  I can't wait to see them again next week.

Its really good to spend time with Paolo.  Because of the long distance thing, the time we have together can be utterly self absorbed without needing to worry about it being unsustainable.  Sleep and projects and contact with other people can wait until next week.

Yes, I'm rubbish at keeping this updated.

* Nearly finished my first proper nurse post - I'm on a medical rotation so I move wards every 4 months.  I'm looking forward to the change.

* Have been really busy.  Like super busy.  The last couple of weeks I've been better at being disciplined and taking some time out for myself which has been good.  March and April were crazy.

* Spent (too brief) time with longdistance friends end of April.  Visited skibbley and E as part of a trip to Nottingham for AF conference.  A couple of days later earwigmc  stopped by on his travels. 

* Managed to go to Shul on Saturday for first time in many many months.  It felt really good and nourishing.  Must make more of an effort to go at least monthly.  I get so much out of it.

* Both my new lovers are very delicious.  I feel ridiculously blessed.  Things with N are good too.  I'm having some poly wibbles regarding his new girlf but I'm ok with that, and working through it.  They're to do with some longterm insecurities I have and am working on and so the wibbles are almost a good thing as they provide material for my own self development.  I'm also confident that they will pass with time.

* Politically, I've been involved with a two week school occupation and ongoing campaign against the council closing primary schools in Glasgow.  I've been very excited and vitalised by this struggle - my energy levels rose so much I was skipping and running about which made me realise that I'd normalised to feeling drained and tired for years!  I'm still active within Anarchist Federation and feel very politically at home here.

I wrote a long thing in a park in April, but I'll pop it under a cut - its quite depressing and rambly.  I wrote it because I was sat in a park, with beautiful trees around me, and folks enjoying each other's company, and everything was so beautiful that I became melancholy over the stark contrast between the incredible potential of the world and humanity versus the destruction of the the planet, communities and people's lives that we actually have.  More under the cut below.

How are you all doing?  The weather here is suddenly gorgeous - its my favourite combination of blue skies and wind.  Very energising for me.


( Read more... )

I actually wrote this back in January as an email to a poly list.  I'm just posting it up here now as I don't have much of me actually writing about poly on my journal.  Please note that since Jan my relationships have changed.  I now have 4 lovers, 2 of whom are new, 1 of which is of six years, as well as an ever evolving but currently "on hold" relationship with a lover of 10 years.


Ten Years Poly

Its definitely been hard work in places, but right now I am in a
situation where my glasses are very rose tinted.  Defining my
relationship style as poly has definitely been right for me.  It
hasn't meant adopting a relationship template (as I first
thought/hoped!) and every single relationship in that time has been
different, and required different discussions, negotiations and
agreements.

Some have broken up due to the other person not being able to cope
with poly, and me not being willing to let go of existing/future
relationships for them.

Polyamory has forced me to have healthy, adult, communicative
relationships; this has been immensely rewarding.  I've learned about
other people, about myself, I've deepened and grown because of the
very process.  In addition I've experienced delightful frubbles and
metafrubbles as well as being able to express my love with more than
one person.

The wibbles have proved to be both transient and educative.

Poly for me now does not mean the same as it did ten years ago.  Back
then it was simple and with nothing up for compromise.  It was an
unbending statement of what any lover of mine would have to deal with
if they got involved with me.  It was equally unbending regarding what
emotions I would allow from myself.

Now it is about a journey between humans - fragile, growing,
developing, occasionally fucking up, adults.  All individuals coming
from different places with different baggage as well as different
ideas, expectations and gifts.  The journey is not along a constant
straight road - the path sometimes narrows with little contact between
us, or we walk together constantly hand in hand at other times.  It is
unpredictable, and there is no simple indicator of "progress" such as
a traditional dating => living together => commitment ceremony =>
having children.  These days progress is about everyone growing and
communicating and supporting each other as appropriate.

I am deeply in love with more than one person.  I am excited about
several others with whom I have love seedlings.  I am very close to
many who previously were lovers.

For the 8 days of Pesach we eat Matzoh instead of bread.  Matzoh is this rather plain, hard to digest thin cracker stuff. Its what you get if you just mix flour and water and flatten it out and then put it in the oven in less than 18 minutes.  Along with millions of Jews around the world, I am not eating anything made of grain except matzoh. [0]

But its glorious!

For 8 days I eat it to celebrate that my ancestors chose shitty bread and freedom rather than complacency and oppression.

I eat it and think of how impossible it must have seemed back then that a motley group of slaves would escape from the great Egyptian empire.  I do not believe it was some external G-d that freed us, but our inner G-d - our own human souls that give us the fire and resolve and passion to better our lives and the lives of our fellow humans.

For 2 nights I sat at seder tables with other Jews.  We discussed the great story, and obeyed the dictat to relive it - that every generation should consider ourselves personally freed from Egypt.  Egypy in Hebrew means many things but includes all that, internally and externally, which binds us, confines us.  What confines us today?  How can we also throw off, grow, develop and make ourselves free?

The first night I was with 2 other hippy/radical/Anarchist Jews and I really enjoyed the discussion of inner divinity, of freedom, of challenging oppression, of feminism and creating a better world.  We finally started eating sometime after 1am!  I got to bed at 4am.  The second night I was hosted by a chasidic Rabbi and it was an interesting contrast.  THis time I learned more of traditional meanings, symbology and stories.

"Listen Israel, the lord is G-d, the lord is One"  This is the great Jewish declaration of faith.  It speaks to me of how the lord which we should listen to and follow is that inner divine, that inner voice that burns and speaks truly and drives us to do good.  And that inner divine is One - it unites all of humankind.

So - to shitty bread and freedom!  Humans have always fought against oppression, always sought freedom and better lives.  In the past huge liberations were achieved against tremendous odds.  Now its our turn.





[0] Many Jews also will be much more strict, only using special "kosher for pesach" foods and toiletries for the whole time.  All other foods will be either removed from their homes, or put in special cupboards legally "sold" temporarily for 8 days.

* Work is going better.  Feeling more confident.  Mixed feelings about the ward I'm in just now (medical receiving) and I'm only there for another 6 weeks, then I'm moving to a respiratory ward for another 4 months.

* Had two exciting, delicious, long time in the coming new relationships start within days of each other 3 weeks ago.  Intense and crazy timing.  Bit overwhelming.  Double dose of NRE on top of already busy life.  But both are delicious (and very very different) and I'll just have to make my life work!

* Been involved in a rather cool school occupation

Somehow I made it to 33 without ever picking up this knowledge.  And google is just bringing up ridiculously over engineered info rather than "an absolute beginner's guide to"

So, dear lj readers, in what order should I apply eye shadow, eye liner and mascara?  Its just one colour of eye shadow. Nothing complex.

Here's the instruction it seems to come with
1. Comment to this post and I will give you 5 subjects/things I associate you with. 2. Then post this in your LJ and elaborate on the subjects given.

http://users.livejournal.com/puzzle_/451028.html - I was given Nursing Freedom Anarchy Sexuality Outdoors

Nursing
First off, nursing is my immediate means to solve several problems in my life. 

1) How do I have enough capitalist tokens to solve the problems I want them for? 
I choose to pay rent rather then squat (as I have before) as I personally need a secure nest and some control over where it is, connectivity (phone and broadband) and what things I can keep in it.  This means I need to pay rent and bills.  So I need some way of doing this.  Signing on is an acceptable alternative solution to this partic problem.
Computers, travel, toys require tokens too.  Again, there are options, but signing on is only at best a medium term solution.

2) How do I ensure I will be useful in the event of social breakdown?
Do I need to elaborate on this one? ;)

3) How can I offer practical solidarity to communities in struggle that I want to support such as in Palestine or Mexico?
ditto.

4) How can I incorporate trips of several months into my life?
Nursing enables me to both work during travel and give 90% security I can quickly get money before/after trips.

5) How can I ensure my day to day life is interesting, fulfilling, challenging and that the work is of the sort that best suits who I am.

Being a nurse seems a good fit for who I am, and how I look at the world.  Its very problem solving oriented, plus the problems are to solve a direct human need - this very much suits my personality.  I'm quite science oriented, so I enjoy that side of things.  I tend to take on a health promoting role in my social circle anyway.  I enjoy helping people.


Freedom
It makes no sense to who I am that someone could stop me doing something as long as it harms no one else.  Thats got me into lots of trouble with various authorities (schools, bosses, police etc) but I've learnt how to be careful and tactical as I've grown up. :)

Equally I don't want control over someone else.

Freedom is not absolute - its a balance between the freedoms of others as well as interacting with the spectrum of ability to make informed consent, which is not just individual but context specific.


Anarchy
I choose to interpret this an relabel as "Anarchism"

In a lecture on hospital chaplains this week spirituality was defined as "that which gives your life meaning, purpose an worth".  That, for me, is Anarchism.

Its also the label I choose for my political beliefs.  As an Anarchist I spend my life trying to bring about an Anarchist Communist society where freedom, human need and desire dictate what we do, rather than a minority controlling and monopolising society's resources.

This means that I put thought into why the current system (which few people benefit from or like) continues and what I can do to change this.  I'm very opinionated and ranty on this topic.

As an Anarchist I reject all authority, and for me everything is up for consideration.  eg. There are plenty of Anarchists who have fully thought through monogamy and decide that monogamy does actually best suit them.  I thought about monogamy and rejected it for me.  For both the former group and for me, it matters not that the church, the state, or other authority advocate monogamy - that is just an additional input to give context.  All that matters is to really think through the issue and what is best for those people in question - monogamy or something else.

Sexuality
I'm strongly sapiosexual.  Clever minds turn me on most of all. 

I am also attracted to feminity and prettyness.  Sometimes I crush on folks who are not feminine.  Other crush options are *depth*, complexity, someone who interests me, someone who arouses me in some indescribable way.  Difference excites me - I've often crushed on those who are "weird", and look different to the white norm I grew up with.  One longterm lover had a facial and upper body "disfigurement" that I genuinely found beautiful.

In a random crowd I'm most attracted to "women" but because of my sapiosexuality I tend to have lovers regardless of gender.

I tend to want sex quite a lot.  And I have certain "kinks" (though few of the SM variety) but also really really enjoy a good old fashioned fuck.

Being desired and being able to satisfy someone's sexual desires is very arousing for me.

Enough about sex yet? ;)  No, because the last category is ...

Outdoors
First off, I love outdoors sex.

But I just love everything outdoors really!  And living in Scotland is partly me choosing to live somewhere where I can get to big open beautiful spaces on a regular basis.

Being outdoors gives me energy and joy.  Feeling the wind is incredibly wonderful for me.  Covering distances on my feet.  Wild camping.  Seeing whats over the next ridge or mountain pass.  Feeling space, distance and air around me.  Beautiful mountains, waterfalls, flowers, patterns, clouds.

For a while now me and a neighbour/friend have been watching Buffy together.  We've just finished Season 3 and it turns out I don't have season 4 after all. :(  He wants us to break the continuity and go for a different season, but I'm resisting! ;)

We can't watch it on a computer - my laptop is tiny and has pants sound.

VHS is fine.

Please, if you see it (or Season 7 - those are the only two I'm missing) in a charity shop, get it for me and we can sort out postage. :)  Otherwise, if you have it would you consider lending or copying it for me?  Vast oodles of favour points will be granted to you.

My sleeping is usually pants.  Unassisted, it often (maybe third of the time) will take me over an hour to go to sleep, and at least once or twice a week it will be 3-5 hours of lying in bed tired but unable to drop off.  For the last year of my degree this was happening the majority of nights, and I was in a very bad way and ended up using a combination of antidepressants and sleeping tablets to just get through that.  More recently I've been using a variety of mechanisms to bring this under control :

* No caffeine after about 2pm.
* I start winding down a couple of hours before I want to go to sleep.  I make sure I've eaten before this.
* Regular bedtime - I was aiming at midnight but for last 3 weeks, since I've needed to get up at 5:30 when I'm working (3 days a week) I've brought that forward to 9:30 or 10pm.  This has been most succesful and I've succeeded in training my body clock to some degree so I feel tired at 11pm these days. :)
* Chamomile tea every night.
* Sleeping tablets next to my bed in case I need them - this has a great calming effect and helps me need them less by avoiding an anxiety leading to panic at still not being asleep leading to more anxiety and being awake.
* Getting up when I wake up - this is usually at 8am - I don't set an alarm when I don't need to go somewhere at a certain time.

So what am I doing posting an entry at almost 2am?  Fucking with my body clock, thats what!  I'm on night shift Thursday, Friday, Saturday this week.

Its the strangest thing for me to be unlearning my body clock to be tired by midnight.  But to avoid feeling really really horrible during my nights, this is what I'm attempting to do.  Pushing myself back.  I'm really really tired now.  Partly posting to keep myself awake, mostly just to document this strange thing I'm doing.

Most strange is that its just for 3 night shifts, then I'm back onto days for Tues, Wed, Thurs next week!  Yes, thats 2 days for me to completely rejig my body clock by 180 degrees!  Insanity.  If I ever get control over my shift patterns I'll make it so I do at least a month of nights at a time.  [0]

I'm pleased with myself that before this week I've been really fucking good at *not* self sabotaging for months and months.  Fucking with my sleep (by not going to bed until daft o'clock even though I know its bad for me) was a common pattern for me.  I feel much mentally/emotionally healthier these days - a lot of that is just feeling accomplished for completing my 4 years of nursing degree.  I've also been working on some deep-seated issues and in general sorting my life out.



[0] Unhelpful comments at this time would be you telling me how unhealthy this is (I know!) or that I should ask my manager/union/HR to change my shift patterns.  Sympathy, shared experiences and handy tips for coping with time displacement are all very welcome. :)

"sbagliando s'impara"
apparently it's Italian for "you learn by doing it wrong"

Copy and pasted from my Italian friend :

sbagliando -> [while] wrongdoing (in the making a mistake rather than being evil sense)

s'impara -> "si impara" which is the reflective form of "we learn"

Am going to the Danny Kyle free stage this Wed.

Anyone want to come too?  Best to arrive at least 15 mins early as they're free and very good performers so its popular.  If you are arriving late / want to meet me *text* my phone - 07828 540512 - I'll have it on silent/vibro mode and will text you back.  Otherwise could meet at 4:30?

This weekend was about time with friends, then saying goodbyes.

Friday through to Sat I had the pleasure of Kata's company (a couple of you have met her in Amsterdam doing barefoot dr stuff) as she managed to fit me into her European tour.  She lives in Australia normally, so I don't see her so often.  We were both pretty wiped from our respective week's, but it was still lovely to spend time with her.  She's most of the way through a Tradit Chin Med course, and it was interesting to discuss similar experiences in feeling alienated from the rest of our class mates and mourning for the style and support we'd enjoyed during the barefoot doc days.  We also talked about Doc.  She excited me about Australia - I'm def thinking of a vist but it'll prob be at least 14 months away.  I seemed to excite her by talking of my Summer Chicago idea (inc Ursula pilgrimage). 

Sat was Anarchies stall, then from midafternoon was goodbye outing for a friend who's moving away from Glasgow.  That ended at 7:30 Sun morning!  I'll see him again - I'd love to visit him in Switzerland.  Always sad when friends move away, and he didn't seem convinced at all that he'd made the right decision which made it harder still.

And today I've been back at work.

I'm also very happy right now due to a lovely new dalliance.  Yayy for poly. :)  They live a safe distance away - I know it sounds strange but in this case I'm happy its a long distance thing as it feels safer emotionally for me right now to have it that way.  Something about feeling overloaded with my life and not wanting to end up with another intense local lover and what that would mean for my schedule.  Perhaps also I'm not sure about whether they'll cope with the poly thing (they know but we haven't had a conversation about it) and still feeling scarred from rship with A and wanting to have externally enforced a slowness and boundaries over what I'm able/willing to offer?  A LDR seems to come with different default assumptions then if they lived in Glasgow?  Anyway, not too much processing/analysing needed as I have no problem to solve - we have a LDR and I'm happy with it!  They seem happy too but, again, we haven't had the opportunity for a proper chat about desires/expectations/needs and I'm happy to see how things unfold organically.

just home from 2nd of 3 * 12 hour shifts (well - 7:15 am to 7:45 pm) so turned on the l word (season 2 on dvd :):) ) but too wacked to respond to comments. all were read though (filtered to a special lj folder) and appreciated.

will resume normal service on friday. :)

job is good but very intense.

I've been trying to post less stuff about Gaza.  I haven't stopped being connected and active with whats going on there.  I sent off £230 today to my friend.  Him and his family are all still alive.  Friends from UK are also still out there, and still alive.  Nobody is "ok" - there's a different baseline.

I should maybe put Gaza stuff behind a filter so you guys can opt in or out?  Or I should put it all behind a cut?  Let me know if any of you would prefer that and I'll start trying to do it.

Off to bed now - work again tomorrow.

Last day of a glorious 4 days off. Tomorrow I'm back on again for 3 days. 12 hour shifts have some advantages. :)

Was supposed to go to Birmingham over the weekend for an IWW healthworkers meeting and to see my not-so-baby-sis, but finally seem to have worked out *before* a trip that getting home the day before I start back at work does not leave me best refreshed. :) So I had a chilled weekend instead.

Thursday evening a couple of friends came over.

Friday I had breakfast with one of them as she'd opted for my sofabed over a tipsy stumble home. OJ (friend I made in Rafah, who's back over there now) was on Sunny Govan - she was really really good. kazoomonkey and C came over for me to sign something, and stayed for lunch. Then I did some bits and pieces in town. Bumped into friends running a Palestine fundraising stall and helped there for a bit, then rushed home for Friday night candle lighting. Seems extra important with the current acuteness in Gaza. Then watched 3 episodes of Dr Who at a neighbour's house before heading out with him and Nick. We had a nice evening of beer and single malt.

Saturday I was on the Anarchist stall, then went to the Glasgow poly meetup. Was good to catch up with folks there and make time for socialising with a different group of people - normally I seem to just spend time with Anarchists. Glasgow poly meetups are now monthly. :) The evening consisted of more Dr Who (my neighbour/friend has season 2 on "TV on demand" and I haven't seen pretty much any of the modern ones) and hanging out with a couple of friends. This much TV is a novelty for me - I don't have a telly.

Sunday, went for breakfast with a couple of friends.  Somehow the kitchen managed to get bits of bacon into my veggie breakfast baked beans!  Luckily I'd almost finished.  The manager was very apologetic and gave me more than my money back plus free toast and jam.  Afterwards I had to go on a mission to the other side of town and they came along. As we were walking through the city centre the snow arrived. :) One of my friends is looking at blackberry vs iphone at the moment, so the snowy walk was punctuated with visits to shineyshiney shops including the massive Apple store. Turns out you can get free internet there - useful for future emergencies.

Swimming with kazoomonkey Sunday afternoon was nice, though I didn't realise how unfit I'd got - my upper arms and shoulders are *aching* still!  I was working on my front crawl - its an evolved doggy paddle so now I have goggles and some tips from folks who can do it properly I'm trying to do better breathing and arm movements (apparently I was very innefficiently "windmilling" before).  I was getting tired when the pool attendants started cleaning the floor and the pool water started smelling suspiciously chemical, so we left.

Sunday evening I helped a friend with his statistics homework, played on the computer, watched Buffy, wrote a proposal for the Anarchist Federation quarterly meeting about using inter regional encryption and then had a very nice bath and relatively early night.

I ended up starting today instead of yesterday - the ward manger's decision.

I'm in an acute medical receiving ward.  They seem very friendly and supportive.  Seems like it'll be an excellent learning opp.

I turned on my phone to check for messages during my first break.  I received this from my friend in Rafah
"i have left the hous, all of the windows,doors and some walls of my house were destroyed i moved my family 3 min before the F16 attack the place i live in"

I must have looked shocked - the nurse who was looking after me for my first morning asked me if I was ok.  I didn't want to be Little Ms Controversial on my first day so just said I'd had some bad news from a friend.  I don't know how pale I'd gone but she kept asking if I needed or wanted to go home, but I said I'd rather be kept busy.  That was a lie, but if I start not being at work its going to be hard to ever go in.

I sent the message with a short explanation on to some friends. 

( includes decription of life in Rafah )


I'm going to be sending money by Western Union to my friend, ideally on Friday which is my next day off.  The fees are relatively large for a small amount.  If you'd like to give money too, you can transfer it into my bank account.  I have a spare account I'll use for this so the money stays separate.  If you are able to give, let me know when it will reach my account, and how much so I can hold off til all the money has arrived before I send it.

My friend is very good at distributing money fairly between his own and other families.  The more money there is, the more families will benefit.  If you can't give anything, don't worry about it. No apology needed!  Just keep writing to your MP, to all media outlets and the Israeli embassy.  I'm going to friends lock the post with my account details on it.  Comment below if you want to know them and can't read the post for whatever reason.

So, I stayed at work.  I ended up feeling a mix of desolation and intense motivation to learn as many skills and how to be a good emergency nurse so that I can one day, in the not so distant future, go and be useful there.

This is something I wrote after I got home from the pub last night.  Its a class piece of slightly pissed writing so I'm banging it up.

I know there were problems with the radio feed from the sunny govan website.  I heard the interview over the airwaves and it was an awesome bit of radio.  They're going to play it again on Sunday.  In the meantime they might put her up as a clip if there's enough calls for them to do so... :)

( Impotence is Unacceptable )

***

This week I've mostly been doing stuff around Gaza and drinking and playing mob wars on facebook as coping mechanisms!
  
At Monday's AF meeting we decided to put out a news sheet, so I wrote a sort of background glossary for it, and we used stuff from talestotell, and another member wrote some other stuff.  That went to the printers yesterday and we'll have 1000 to dish out in Glasgow on Saturday.

Tuesday I was too late and the doors were locked but I was supposed to be going to an interfaith prayer for peace at a local synagogue.  Fom those that did manage it, it sounded really good and I'm sad I missed it.  Later Tues eve I did get along to Glasgow Gaza Emergency Coordination meeting.  The room was packed - about 100 of us from lots of diff groups and backgrounds and some activity planned - not as much as I'd hoped but it was productive.

Wednesday was mostly writing stuff for the news sheet and doing other awareness raising about whats going on. Lots of emails, phone calls etc.  Then went to the pub with some friends.

Today I'm going into town to help with a Gaza stall outside Borders on Buchanan St - we'll be there til about 6 so come say hi if you're about.

My friend is going to be on air live from Gaza at 12:30 today - listen online (above "WELCOME", below "HOME")
http://www.sunnygovancommunitymedia.org/ or tune in to 103.5FM