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12 April 2010 @ 08:30 pm
Context to situation with Nick  
I started writing this out as an email to a poly list to ask for advice and support.  It took me a couple of hours just to get this far, and it was helpful as it helped me work some stuff out.

However its unfinished, and I'm going to reformat it (shorten it!) for the actual list post.  Here it is.

I wrote it on Thursday evening, so the dates are relative to then.

Please let me know if you did manage to read it all - absolutely ok comments are "listening" and offers of hugs.  Please don't feel you should/can say anything that will make everything better!  just knowing somebody is listening is actually one of the biggest things anyone can do for another human being.

And love and best wishes to all of you with your lives.  I know some of you are having shitty times, and I'm sorry I haven't been in a place to be a better friend/comrade just now.  Maybe I should just start taking my own advice? ;)

Ongoing issues for Nick and I.  He's keen that I get support, and that I use this list.  It does feel odd though, but this list has been a good resource and I do need advice.

Ok, so here's how I feel about things.  Please note that it is subjective, and my perception of events.  I know you all would know that anyway, but it feels important to be explicit about that, espec as some people on this list know Nick, and more of you are connected to him now that he too has joined and posted.

I had a relationship with Nick which could be described as primary.  It has been going for 7 years.  I moved to Scotland because we were deeply in love and committed to each other.  As discussed on this list in the past, before Nick and I even got together, we'd agreed to a polyamorous rship.  From his part he disagrees with monogamy, from my part I'd been identifying as poly for several years thanks to the lovely Jamie, and felt it was necessary before I started any new rship that this was understood.

However when 6 months later I had a fling with someone I was in same city with for a couple of weeks, Nick became very distraught and said he couldn't cope with nonmonogamy.  At this point there were 2 other lovers in my life.

And so began a several year process for us.  For the first 2 of those years I voluntarily was monogamous in order to take away the distress point so we could work on things.  My first aid training influenced me in that - take away the fire before you treat the wound!

That several year process involved hard discussions, lots of negotiation, creative thinking and *time*.  Nick had both a veto and a rule whereby there wouldn't be any more than one new lover introduced into the rship every 6 months.  Also prohibitions on lovers not fully STD tested, even with condoms - ie no spontaneous or casual sex.  Nick vetoed my first proposed new lover (I have no resentment for that - it was def my crotch doing the thinking, but it was very hard at the time as I did really really want to!)

Our rules have very slowly evolved in past 3 years.  Now he is ok with some casual sexual activity, but no penetration, or oral where it is my mouth involved.  This rule also applies to the activities of my other boyfriend, Paolo, when he is with somebody else.  But this change has happened very slowly, with lots of discussion, taking things at a pace that allowed Nick to feel safe and in control and to see how he felt with each change.

I was happy with all of this - even at my most horny with somebody really hot (and this has happened several times) I have been able to stick to the rules by thinking of how much I love Nick and how much more important our rship is then any immediate temptation.

This all seems relevant.  I didn't do all this thinking "I am doing this so I will get the same back".  I was thinking "Nick is really important to me, our rship is important.  I am committed to it.  I want it to work.  I love him so much I will go as slowly as necessary in order to make it work"

A few years ago I asked Nick to move out of the flat which we were sharing, into one 10 mins walk around the corner which costs £110 per month (listen to that London people and weep!)  This was after several months of attempted negotiation involving practical issues.  I had to keep on top of all rent and bills and much other practical household stuff.  It wasn't the money that bothered me, it was feeling that I was putting all the work into ensuring we had a home, leaving Nick free to do other things.  This was during my 3rd (penultimate) year of my stressful nursing degree and I was already feeling that I'd given up many activities to commit to this.  I had requested we set up a joint back account which we would both pay into and that direct debits would come out of.  I even dragged Nick along to the bank, but we didn't have all the paperwork and he avoided going back.

Another past context is a handfasting.  Nick was keen for a public affirmation of our rship.  I wasn't bothered, but happy to go along with it as it meant so much to him.  However most of my friends and family live in the south of england.  Also we've organised (political) events together before, and I know Nick's style is to do everything at the last minute, which I find really stressful.  Also I wanted to get my nursing out the way before putting time into organising a do.  2 years ago I said that my precondition for the ceremony is that a venue would be booked at least 6 months in advance.  This has never happened.

In the past couple of years, our rship has began to have issues.  At this time we stopped doing political activity together.  We're both Anarchists, but with different styles and priorities.  Problems within political groups were affecting our rship.  And we could be like an old married couple bickering during political meetings.  Our differences in preferred style - Nick pushing ahead very fast with very (over?) ambitious plans and last minute organising, versus my over perfectionism - meant that I'd found it incredibly stressful to be organising with him.  There were several events which felt to me like last minute panics, full of things we didn't think through or get done in time.  We ended up with thousands of undelivered leaflets, newsletters etc in our flat, which made me feel guilty and like a failure every time I looked at.

[This is turning into quite an essay.  Ho hum.  Sorry everyone.  Good to be getting this out - I've not felt able to talk to anyone as I start crying *again* everytime and anyway most of my friends are monogamous and think its obvious this would come up in polyamory.  Plus I feel ashamed and rejected]

Other issues we've had for a couple of years are sex - possibly TMI? - as I felt undesired as he seemed less and less interested in sex, felt like I was only one initiating it, and that it was monthly at best.  Yes, we talked about it.  Yes, this is one sided.

I felt I was also doing all the initiating and planning for our times together.  And that NIck would by preference be on the computer than talking with me.  Again, we talked.

And I was going through a very stressful time, firstly finishing off my degree with a big dissertation, than working in my first ward.  Also going through a hard breakup with another lover.

It was all a bit of a mess, and I'm quite insecure to start with!

Just over a year ago Nick got together with E who lives in London.  I've known E for 9 or 10 years.  Not hugely well, but we were in same political circles in London and friendly with each other.  I'd always thought she was sound.  In fact I thought she was intelligent, perceptive, motivated, focused, strong and attractive (NB about the only non messy thing about all this is that I've never fancied her, but I had friends that did)  As I said, I liked her and was happy to see her when we were in same places.  However we hadn't been close enough that I'd seen much of her since moving to Scotland.  Nick met E through politics.

I became aware that they were having a very healthy sex life.  For instance he would return from being with E with lovebites and other sex derived marks.  Also Nick was full of the NRE, which was in stark contract to how I felt he was about our rship.

One time she was in Glasgow, and we arranged to see each other.  Seemed sensible - we'd been friendly before, and now we had an extra thing in common in our love for Nick.  I was a bit nervous, but when it was the prearranged time, and I got a message from Nick that E would be a bit late, I couldn't stop thinking it was because they'd been having sex and lost track of time.  When they both arrived together (I had thought it would just be her coming) I was additionally shocked.  Basically I spent the next couple of hours, with every time I looked at her i had distressing images of them having sex, and it felt really gut wrenching.  i felt unable to have a normal conversation with her as i was fighting down distress.  after they both left together, this gut wrenching continued and i did cry.

Nick and I continued to have a bit of a process in terms of working on our rship.  We had a lovely, if short, holiday up north.  I requested that Nick initiate more of our time together.  In November I started working in a nice ward so ended a lot of the work related stress from being in a bullying environment for the previous 10 months.

I was working over Christmas, and Nick told me he was taking E to his parents.  I was surprised to feel upset - I don't even enjoy his family christmases so should feel relieved to have gotten out of that obligation.  I now realise that a lot of my distress has been that as their rship has evolved to be primary (Nick says we are both his primaries) we did not discuss this.  We had this thing where we didn't do rship hierarchies, even as a descriptive term, so the conversation wasn't even possible.  I now feel it would have been healthier if we'd been able to have that discussion, and I'd felt included in the decision that now this new person had the same status as I did, and that lifedecisions would now also include her in the process.  I think I'd have felt less threatened as I'd have felt part of that.

As it was, I had been a very imperfect metamour.  I'd refused to meet with E since the first time.  I felt distressed everytime he mentioned her while we were together.  I knew from straight off that this was due to how Nick and my rship was.  When it was at its closest, eg towards the end of our holiday, or after we'd spent some time doing nice things together, I could discuss her fine, including her positive qualities which had attracted him to her.  I felt, and expressed, that if we could just finish off fixing our rship, I would be able to speak to her again.

During the times when Nick and my rship were at their worst, I couldn't bear to think of her at all.  At the times when I felt most confident in our rship, I was happy that she was making him happy too.  Is compersion like that canary down a mine - the first thing to suffer if there's anything bad in the rship?

So after Christmas, we talked again.  Again, Nick very keen I talk with E.  Also, he was more and more talking of being unhappy living in Glasgow, and kept talking of limited job opportunities compared to London.  I am very happy in Glasgow, though it took me many years.  I however thought long and hard.  I said I would be prepared to move back to London where I already have close friends, but that anywhere else would require much more thought.  Also, I have a very good flat, a job, friends, and Paolo (Swiss based lover) is moving to Glasgow in July, mostly because I am here.  I am going to be doing a one year post grad course here starting in September.  And I feel that, at 34, any housemove needs really careful consideration and planning.  I really don't want to move my homebase around much more ever again!  (Travelling is a different thing to me)

One of the issues that came up in Jan was that actually we'd both be happier if it was more like we lived together.  That it would be the default that whenever Nick was in Glasgow, he would be at my house.  I still didn't want his bookcases and boxes and boxes of paperwork in my already crowded flat though, plus he would need somewhere to sleep when E was up, or if Paolo was visiting me.

We had a really good couple of weeks.  We went to a museum together.  Found new places to hang out.  Spent time together.  I felt happier than I had for a couple of years.  I was really really happy with this new arrangement, and both heard and felt that Nick was too.

I began, tentatively at first, talking about E.  I found that increasingly, even just after a couple of weeks of newfound security with Nick, I could feel compersion coming back.

One night, I think we may have even just had sex, I felt especially close and loved up with Nick.  That stupid love, where you want to show it in ridiculous overblown ways.  I keep thinking of that song "I would walk 500 miles, and I would walk 500 more, just to be the man that walked 1000 miles to fall down at your door"  I wanted to give up everything for this amazing person I loved so deeply.  I decided to sacrifice myself for him.  I was stupid.  I said "you really want to move to London don't you?  You should move"  I even tried to get him to shake on it then and there.  There had been very little dialogue before.  I just couldn't bear the thought that I was holding back this amazing creature I was so in love with, when he felt called to be in London - I thought because of political and job options.  And I also felt I knew that him moving to London was me sacrificing myself, because how could we have an LDR and make that survive, when almost living together again had proved to be the one thing that could resuscitate our rship?

The cold light of day follows.  The heartbreak I felt when he confirmed that yes, on the basis of what i'd said the night before, he was going to be moving to London asap.  Thinking that coping with the breakup would be horrible alone, I requested that he wait until Paolo arrived before he moved. 

[writing that I realised I'd never explained to Nick why I'd made that request!]

I was due to fly to Israel a week later to be a witness in a trial for a friend who had been killed in front of us just before we got together.  At my request, we didn't talk about it again before I went, as I was stressed enough with getting ready for an emotionally intense trip.  I was away for 3 weeks.

We next saw each other 2 weeks ago when I got back to UK.  It then emerged that a big part (but not only reason) for him moving to London was in order to love with E, and that she's been wanting them to love together for months (and he's also keen on it)

I also started facing this big change, which I'd put to the back of my mind while I was away.  I got really upset.  I felt like I had said a spontaneous thing, which had been leaped on, and that I hadn't really been a part of any decision making process about where Nick lived.  It made me feel unimportant in his life.  I felt like my previous understanding of the commitment we had to be in each others lives had been broken.

I now think of it like this.  The descriptive (not prescriptive) term "primary rship" desribes the sort of rship where you make lifedecisions together.  There can be more than two people in this decision making body.  However this decision had been made by Nick with E, and I had been a minor part of this.

Nick had wanted me to be involved in dialogue with E, ideally with the 3 of us sat down around a table together.  I had felt that before I was ready for that, I needed to feel more secure in my rship with Nick, to enable that to be possible without unhelpful, unwanted emotions taking me over.  I feel that I needed things to progress at a safer pace.  I felt like the concrete actions Nick and I were doing were already meaning I was getting closer to that time when I could discuss things with E, but that I had not been allowed the time to get there.  It wasn't like I was saying "never, no" - instead I'd identified specific things that were actually having very positive results even after just a couple of weeks.

I've felt that this wasn't fast enough for the two of them.

Just after I got back to UK Nick said he would be with me in Glasgow for the next 2 weeks.  I was surprised and pleased.  It certainly seemed like a very good idea once I started really processing that he was moving to London, and what that meant.  We had a couple of intense, tearful conversations.  It was hard, but we were talking.

Last Thursday I casually IM'ed Nick at 5pm to find out what his plans were for that evening.  He then mentioned, offhand, he was going to London to see Ellie that night, and would be back on Saturday.  I was very upset.  I'd felt better knowing we had 2 solid weeks committed to working through this really big deal of him moving to London.  I'd felt committed to personally knowing he was willing to, unasked for, set aside that time.  And he hadn't asked me first, nor made sure to tell me about it.  He was going to be away for 2 days.

They were a horrible 2 days.  We'd had an emotional IM followed by phone conversation.  I was crying uncontrollably and really hurting.  I shouted at him (he reciprocated but it was me who initiated the shouting)

I lay in bed for 2 hours crying.  Nick did not contact me.  He did not come over.  I phoned a friend who did come over.  We drank whisky and watched buffy and i cried less.

Next thing I heard from him was 8 hours later when he posted onto this list.  I responded on list, and also to him personally.  I said I was hurting.

It turns out that his mobile internet connection ran out of juice after sending the email, so he never saw my responses.

I cried.  I lay in bed.  I couldn't get up.  I had run out of toilet paper but couldn't motivate myself to go to the shop,  I howled.  I felt abandoned by Nick.  He'd cancelled a plan with me, when I was already at a really vulnerable place, to go and see E.  He hadn't checked in on me.

I texted him at 5pm.  He phoned.  He seemed surprised at how upset I was and said I'd see him the next day at 3pm when he got back from London.  I think I cried a lot on the phone.

The next day was really bad too.  I couldn't sleep, but also had no energy.  I felt like our rship was over, after 7 years.

Nick got here, we cried together.  I told him how awful the previous 2 days had been.

That was 5 days ago.

Since then its been a rollercoaster.  We have good and bad *hours* - emotions change that quick.  I feel incredibly raw still.  Very hurt still.  Trying to process the betrayal and abandonment.  Both the biggie of him making plans without me to move to London, but also that while I'd been in the middle of that, he'd left me for 2 days.

Sometimes he seems to understand how hurt I was.  We've talked about it.  He's cried too.  Says he feels caught in the middle.  Says its happened because I won't talk to E.  Is pressuring me to talk to E.

On my part I still feel really emotionally raw from the past couple of weeks.  I cry at really minor things.  I get really upset and angry at very minor triggers.  I can't really bear to have her name mentioned.

I warned Nick on Saturday, that it might take me a while to get over the hurt.  I think I am pretty resilient and fast at healing, but those two days were the worst I'd felt since my friends had been killed.


--
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Fingerprint : 29D1 09BB 86C8 12D5 876D 63BD A479 085C C7C7 D170

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Liz Ashtoncherade9 on April 12th, 2010 08:26 pm (UTC)
I heard you. I'm not sure if there is anything constructive I can say yet, but I'm thinking about you. Take care *hugs*
fleabitesei531 on April 13th, 2010 03:06 pm (UTC)
Thank you. Hugs very appreciated.
Puzzlepuzzle_ on April 12th, 2010 08:30 pm (UTC)
Reading listening, and don't quite no what to say.

Other than oh man I'm sorry, the pain is so evident. I could throw out some advice but you know I don't think you need that.

Hugs offered, I do hope things ease for you both.
fleabitesei531 on April 13th, 2010 03:10 pm (UTC)
thank you. really helps to share.
skibbleyskibbley on April 12th, 2010 09:20 pm (UTC)
Hard times. Warm thoughts.
fleabitesei531 on April 13th, 2010 03:13 pm (UTC)
Thank you. It really helps to feel listened to. And it encourages me to write which helps me process whats going on.
tea_and_cuddles: smiletea_and_cuddles on April 12th, 2010 11:33 pm (UTC)
I think there is a lot going on for you at the moment, including a few things you didn't talk much about.

People say there are certain major events in people's lives and certain major stressors. Whether we think they should matter or not, they often do, especially emotionally, or in more complicated ways. Something along the lines of health, relationships, house movings, security... sound familiar? What's going on for you touches all of those.

Job too: you have decided on a further degree in Glasgow but that was before Nick decided to move.

And personal security, politics, even life (Nick's talk of having a baby with E) and death are in the foreground recently - your recent trip as witness to a killing and most likely your own vulnerability in that situation too. Ptsd or some aspects of that, perhaps getting involved. Things that did not have an outlet earlier.

Your relationship with me has not been smooth or satisfying over the last year and a half either, due to things outside your control.

Which is another stressor: Things which are outside your control, be they recent, or brought into the present. Much seems to be happening which appears to be outside your control. (It would be wise to take stock of those things which are in your control at this point, and those things over which you have more control than you think.)

You suggesting Nick move to London and him deciding to do it are an interesting paradox, in that you did choose that, but now the consequences are beginning and you are having to face things which you avoided, or didn't know how to face, earlier.

There is much to be hopeful in that. I do not believe you did it out of self sacrifice, even though you are a great sacrificer. I believe you did it from love, both for yourself and for Nick, and on your better days that brings you joy. If it does not do so now, I am sure it will in times to come. You are a wellspring of love, after all. It shows, to those who dare look :-)

It seems to me you have arrived at a nexus of many powerful emotional stressors from all directions at about the same time. This may be clouding the issues which you are making decisions on at the moment, by making the emotional responses to some issues more intense, and at times overwhelming, than if the nexus of different issues were more spread out. Bear that in mind when you feel lost in everything.

(cont'd due to LJ comment length limit)
tea_and_cuddles: smiletea_and_cuddles on April 12th, 2010 11:35 pm (UTC)

On the bright side, you are going through the roller coaster of emotional highs and lows at a time scale of hours. I think that is probably good, as it means you are processing at high speed. But it is tiring, and tiredness adds it own problems - remember to eat well, sing happy songs (badly) and get some fresh air amidst it all!

Your story does tell me you've had, and continue to have, quite a fascinating and intense relationship with Nick (and others) over the years, a complex and deep one. What love is all about! But difficulties too.

And some difficulties of your own, in living up to your own relationship ideals: You avoided three-way relationship planning involving E, but in a cooler, less fraught state, I think it is what you would advise others in a similar earlier situation to do, and would like to be able to do yourself, but couldn't.

You knew that needed to happen some time ago, but you could not face it because of something that is difficult to talk about, and emotionally triggering. And because of things that you are sometimes scared of believing about yourself, which might all come down to fearing being unloved, inferior, inadequate, abandoned etc. Yet, I believe from what you have written, and from knowing you, that you want to face it. It has made life unnecessarily hard for you for a very long time. And that you know those fears are illusions, annoying remnants from just being human, on your clearer days.

Nick has done many things which aggravate your state over a long time, but then Nick is still a wee lad ;-) On this occasion, I think he's done it again, but from this armchair distance, while at the same time knowing you in some ways, I think it is a powerfully transformative process that you are going through. Stick with it and I am certain you will be happier and more confident than before, and more full of joy and love than before. Even though there will be some sadness, it is the sadness of change from which wonderful new things emerge. I have no reason to be anything other than optimistic for your future, even though I don't know how it will turn out.

Oh, and I agree with you about listening being one of the greatest things one can do for another. Along with sharing.

Still here, still a bit annoying but well-meaning :-)

xx & hugs! & thank you for the lovely postcard. I got it today (only check my paper mail every week or so). It is travelling with me while I work remotely, along with the knitted heart :-)
fleabitesei531 on April 13th, 2010 01:31 pm (UTC)
Thanks a lot for your thoughtful and insightful comments. Yes, I wish we could have more between us and that is not possible for external reasons, but I have faith that we will continue to connect in whatever ways we can in the future.

*hugs*

One small thing :
"You suggesting Nick move to London and him deciding to do it are an interesting paradox, in that you did choose that, but now the consequences are beginning and you are having to face things which you avoided, or didn't know how to face, earlier. "

Thats not how it happened. He'd been frequently mentioning jobs he was applying for in London and frustrations with Glasgow for a couple of months. (As far as I was concerned we had a longterm process ongoing about deciding where we would all live) It wasn't out of the blue that I suggested him moving to London, it was an irrational moment of not wanting to hold him back from his chosen life, even if that meant I lost him. I was at that moment giving him permission to do something that he'd been hinting for a while that he really wanted to do.

I feel that he should have reopened the discussion with me in the cold light of day, rather than taking something I'd said in an emotional moment as my final statement on the matter.

That is why I am so hurt and feel betrayed - I understood that our relationship was one where we made life decisions together, both fully engaged in the process. Its that that makes this so difficult for me. I'm sure we could (?have) worked out the practicalities of him relocating in a way that didn't leave me feeling manipulated. Its that he didn't put the necessary prework in by giving me any time and working on our rship with me in order that we could have got to a place where the 3 of us could all discuss it, that really bites.

I'd been really specific about what I needed, and we'd started doing that. It involved going on "dates" together, and him being based in my flat as the default whenever he was in Glasgow. This was something we both said we wanted. I had 2 weeks of it, and was starting to feel much better about things, but instead of him checking in on me, he rushed through this London plan.

Fears, that I/we were working on, about his rship with E being more important than me suddenly had a rational basis. :(

We are not coprimaries. He prioritised his plans with her, over my involvement in his life. He made a choice.
The Living Tribunalanarchist_nomad on April 12th, 2010 11:36 pm (UTC)
Have read what you have written. Not sure what to say... as any advice I could think of is probably something you already know. But this comment is just to let you know that one more set of eyes and ears is listening and cares...
fleabitesei531 on April 13th, 2010 03:14 pm (UTC)
Thank you. Its very appreciated and does help.
nyecamden: purposefully cutenyecamden on April 12th, 2010 11:44 pm (UTC)
I managed to read it all.

I have strong empathy with some of the things you've mentioned though I won't go into specifics.

I'm sorry things have been so difficult. *gentle hugs*
fleabitesei531 on April 13th, 2010 03:15 pm (UTC)
Thanks a lot. And you give good hugs.

pigsfedtopigspigsfedtopigs on April 13th, 2010 12:02 am (UTC)
Yeah, hugs. Life is messy and confusing and I can't really say anything that wise or helpful about it. Was good seeing you at the weekend, hope things turn out as tolerably as possible.
pigsfedtopigspigsfedtopigs on April 13th, 2010 12:03 am (UTC)
Also, I'd not encountered the word compersion before, had to google it. Good word. Damn the way this thing won't let me edit comments.
fleabitesei531 on April 13th, 2010 03:16 pm (UTC)
It is a good word. Cheers for reading and commenting.

Hope you get through your situation too. *hugs*
Calumcalum on April 13th, 2010 07:57 am (UTC)
Have read, and am listening.. and hugs are definately on offer. (real ones too, if you like)

I feel a horrible sense of recognition about this, but I don't think it would be helpful for me to explain right now - it's more sympathy than empathy, if that makes sense.

It sounds incredibly hard.. and the only possibly useful thing I can say is the really obvious stuff.. be very honest with yourself, encourage Nick to be very honest with himself too, talk, listen.. and give yourself enough time to deal with the emotional impact of what's going on.
fleabitesei531 on April 13th, 2010 03:19 pm (UTC)
Thank you. And hugs for your recognition provoking event.

And those were useful comments / reinforcements of the way forward.
kazoomonkeykazoomonkey on April 13th, 2010 11:43 pm (UTC)
*hugs* to you. reading & contemplating.
its a lot to process and i really feel for you. I don't know you massively well but what i do know is that you're one strong amazing, caring-for-all woman and you'll get through this. It will be hard as hell but you'll come out on the other end stronger and with more love for yourself.
Crying and being upset is good....at least you arnae bottling it up. you probably know that.
thinking of you xxx
fleabitesei531 on May 22nd, 2010 02:15 pm (UTC)
Thank you. Sorry didn't respond sooner. Sometimes I get so I can read and listen, but not articulate myself. But it is still good to get comments, you know?
Lucelucielu on April 14th, 2010 01:01 pm (UTC)
Just wanted to say I've read through the info and I'm available to chat on I'm or by phone if you like?

Also moving back to Glasgow in the next month or so so will be available for cuddles and hugs if you like?

I won't say be strong, because sometimes we don't want to be fucking strong, we want be happy and for it to be easy. And that's allowed. Be you. And we shall be here to support you in being you, in whatever way can or that you want us to.
fleabitesei531 on May 22nd, 2010 02:16 pm (UTC)
Thank you. Means a lot to me. You are actually really good at this, which given your choice of profession is obvious, but still. Cheers.
Olaf 'Rhialto' Seibertrhialto on June 4th, 2010 12:20 am (UTC)
I won't say be strong, because sometimes we don't want to be fucking strong, we want be happy and for it to be easy. And that's allowed. Be you.
I know I'm taking this out of the context you're intending, and putting it into mine (see my lj, last March), but this is such a good thing to say, especially the first part...
earwig: mirror hawkearwigmc on April 15th, 2010 03:13 pm (UTC)
hey :) i pikced up some of what was going on from nick's post on the poly list, though haven't engaged with it there to date. i have been thinking to you, and thinking to communicating that i am thinking to you - i was anyway with you going out to isreal, and then i was particularly aware of the timing of these things happening. this is a comment to let you know that i read all of what you wrote above, and i care, and i can understand a lot of what you're feeling within the context of all that's been happening, and specifically some of the particular dynamics and occurrences within the relationship(s). i'm sorry it's happening - to you, and right now, and in the way it is. i'd like to live nearer so we could hang out and chat about it a bit if helpful, and/or do somehting completely different is preferable, and so i could giv eyou a hug if you'd like one :) i'm aware that my communications at distance aren't so great right now (tho maybe that's been the way for a while, and i'm just particularly aware that email and stuff is so tiring right now). so i'm sorry about that, and that we can't meet up in person so readily. if you could really do with me trying ot apply myself at distance sometime, with thinking/working things through in a 'problem solving' way, or to touch in and say 'hey, i'm sorry it all hurts, and i care about you' do try me - if i'm around and i have the resources i will try and apply them. XX
fleabitesei531 on May 22nd, 2010 02:17 pm (UTC)
Thank you. Your comment really does mean a lot.
jon_from_shefjon_from_shef on April 16th, 2010 04:27 pm (UTC)
You don't really know me & I'm hopeless at advice, so just to say thank you for your honesty, I am thinking of you in your situation and big hugs :)
fleabitesei531 on May 22nd, 2010 02:17 pm (UTC)
Nah, just that you read it is meaningful. Thank you.
(Anonymous) on May 12th, 2010 12:23 am (UTC)
hey
I hope things have improved lots since this post ... we're so out of touch with each other for obvious reasons that I looked in here to see how you were and because I still care, but am probably completely the wrong person for a shoulder right now ... am still processing our stuff I think (no reproaches it just takes time). But I hope it all works out and you get back to feeling secure - even in the chaos of everything we all need a safe corner. I wish that for you.
Always
x
Li
fleabitesei531 on May 22nd, 2010 02:17 pm (UTC)
Re: hey
x