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05 June 2010 @ 02:16 am
what is love anyway?  
On the one hand I can now look back over nick' actions and be totally clear on why he was a bad person for me to have as a lifepartner.  he acted thoughtlessly, he never checked i was ok with any of the actually bigdeal changes he was making to our relationship and he put very little work into our relationship though it clearly needed it and i was begging him to.  he did little to show that he actually cared about me.

and yet this love thing.  this bond.  so i feel something has been ripped from and out of me.  so that i'd probably take him back despite myself if i had the chance (which i don't, i've asked him twice in the past couple weeks to reconsider, to try again.  weak moments, alone, late at night) even having reread emails and chatlogs that in plain ascii text spell out to me how he was.  the times he was bordering on callous.  the times he told me the problems were just my insecurity and mine to deal with.  the times he, offhanded, told me he had new plans with Elle and so discarded our previous arrangements.

yes, he is definitely not someone i should want to be with.

but that bloody love thing.  that fucking bond.  that attachment.  that ridiculous desire for everything to be back the way it was, despite that meaning i'd be with this idiot boychild who is too arrogant and desperate to never face any mistakes that he won't heed advice or criticism, and yet doesn't have the empathy or people knowhow to treat a longterm partner with care, respect or understanding.

he repeatedly broke his word to me.  he said he would do one thing, but didn't keep to that.

even when he clearly had fucked up big time, and said sorry, there was zero attempt to make it up, or even to give me some gentleness or love as i tried to heal from what he and ellenor had done.  even at the time it seemed like his major distress was not the two days of hell he'd put me through, but that he might have to admit to himself that he was flawed.  that was where his focus was - making sure that though he apologised he could maintain his sense of righteousness by, very tenuously making it my fault.  in fact i actually internalised that it was at least partly my doing until this week when i reread chat logs and emails from that time with a friend and could actually see how fucked up that was.

argh.

i can see all that.  see how wrong he is for me.  see how emotionally abusive he was at times.  see how manipulative he was at others.  how thoughtless and uncaring and uncompassionate.

and yet i still pine for him.  still feel this heartache.  still feel berefit to be without the arsehole.
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Rhionnachrhionnach on June 5th, 2010 08:47 am (UTC)
This was me a while back. It gets better, it just takes time. I realise that this doesn't help the deep ache you feel right now. People said this to me but it's taken time to for me to get to that place. Life goes on.
jon_from_shefjon_from_shef on June 5th, 2010 09:41 am (UTC)
It will get better. Gradually...

It sounds like you make attachments like me. I let someone into my heart and expect them to stay in my life. Yet people seem to have their exits as well as their entrances.

I think too, that our relationships are mixtures of compatibilities and incompatibilities. I expect he is good for you in some ways and not in others. You have been a huge part of each other's lives. I expect you'll stay in each others' hearts.

Look after your inner child. How are you going to treat yourself today?!
Puzzlepuzzle_ on June 5th, 2010 10:03 am (UTC)
I guess in amongst how things ended, there was good stuff otherwise you wouldn't have been together, and that is maybe what you miss.

It does from the outside looking in, that you are moving forward. You will get there, just be good to you. Take opportunities as the come. What helped me was stopping saying no to things and saying yes. Taking myself into places I would have previously not have went.

It's time for you.
earwig: oscillatalotearwigmc on June 6th, 2010 12:33 pm (UTC)
=hugs= virtual (but redeemable in person) if you'd like them/they'd be helpful. conversation if we were in the same geographical place. X