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23 August 2010 @ 08:04 pm
platonic honeymooning  
I'm not used to feeling so intensely close to someone new without there being sex involved.  I'm not used to really deeply enjoying being with someone I've only known a few months, looking forward to the next time I'll see them, feeling excited when they contact me, without that being the delicious honeymoon of a new romance.  Without my clitoris partly driving it.

Because its not a common situation, I don't feel that security of walking a familiar path.  I don't have any idea what comes next.  I don't know him well enough to feel confident of my place in his life when he does find a compatible partner and begin the monogamous relationship that he wants.

So its a bit scary.

Its also interesting how I feel when I don't have the pressure release of orgasm to regulate my emotional energy.  When I can't direct this closeness and budding love into sexual entangling.

Physically touching him is pleasing in all sorts of ways.  The snuggles feel post coital cosy rather than foreplay titillating.  But then I'm used to hugging people I feel close to and that being really really good.  Its just that it usually takes years for that to evolve, without the catalyst of sex to speed up the emotional attachment.

Homologue?

Perhaps its because we've both opened up to each other?  We are very very similar in many different ways.  And that includes scars, and the ways that we deal with them.  Seeing the scars in each other, we both gradually unveiled, trusting that the other would understand and not freak out.  Maybe exposing and trusting the other with our most vulnerable, delicate parts of our psyche fulfilled a similar function that normally would have been achieved by baring and caressing each other's genitals?  Certainly, he held and nurtured and stroked those sensitive, raw places that I normally keep well wrapped up and hidden.  He gently kissed my soul.

Whatever happens next, I am grateful to have experienced something both new and good.  Although I remain nervous about how our relationship can develop, as it is so new and unknown, I try to relax and trust that I can trust and relax about it.  Even though becoming attached to someone means intense pain when it is severed, I have never regretted the relationship because of later grief, whether the loss was due to death or breakup.

And of the many new lessons and challenges I feel constantly bombarded with, having one that is so delicious is a blessing.
 
 
 
jon_from_shefjon_from_shef on August 26th, 2010 04:08 am (UTC)
Oh this sounds _good_. It sounds a respectful & loving relationship. I think you are right to cherish it.

Interesting that you don't know where it may be going. You think that he is basically monogamous? You have discussed the possibility of sex?
fleabitesei531 on September 7th, 2010 06:36 pm (UTC)
It is good and I feel very lucky. :)

We have discuss ed it. He def is monogamous. and I care about him far too much to have a relationship when I know it would mess with his head. To be honest I'm neither easy nor straightforward to be in a relationship with anyway.

and while its a bit frustrating its still very very lovely to have such a good friend in my life.

How are you doing? What you up to?
jon_from_shefjon_from_shef on September 9th, 2010 09:19 am (UTC)
Well it sounds like your mono-poly entanglement works in a non-sexual way. It's lovely that you are respectful of what he can cope with. I can see that it is odd for you without sex, but you seem to have some level of touching/physicality working out :) Is he comfortable with you having other partners?

I have been fine with honest/intimate relationships with no sex. Getting sexually involved has tended to be a big barrier to get over for me even when I've really wanted it. I don't know why. So friends with hugs & cuddles and maybe kisses works fine for me. I definitely don't fit the gender-mold of 'men are only after one thing'.

So my sexual relationship with Claire is a huge surprise. It has revealed to me that I can naturally do two relationships, even with sex. I'm very slow at working out how I do relationships. My mono partner Annie just about copes with this. She's fine when she's feeling confident in herself. She is not good with communication. I learn through trial & error. We all seem to be more stable with time. So it works, sort of.

I wonder why you think you are neither easy nor straightforward to be in a relationship with? Is this based on things you understand about yourself? Do you have some self-esteem issues?

As to what I am up to, I have come to accept that my heart attack has changed how I am and what I can cope with, though I have improved a bit in the two years since I had it. So I am not up to much!

Take it easy.
jon_from_shefjon_from_shef on January 7th, 2011 05:38 pm (UTC)
Happy New Year
Maybe you are posting elsewhere? I miss your honesty.

Anyway, here's wishing you a good year with your life and loves...
fleabitesei531 on April 14th, 2011 02:39 pm (UTC)
Re: Happy New Year
Hey. Yes, started posting again. Now I'm at https://fleabite.wordpress.com/

For a while haven't been writing much, except long facebook statuses.

How are you?

I'm not really writing much personal stuff on the wordpress. If I do decide I want to write that again, I will prob come back to this lj for that. Weird how they feel different in that way!

jon_from_shefjon_from_shef on April 16th, 2011 07:58 am (UTC)
Re: Happy New Year
Oh Wordpress, I'm not familiar with that site.

Some people seem to straddle LJ & Dreamwidth. I tinker with FB, but I'm not out as poly to people on there as Annie is uncomfortable with that.

Some more uk-poly people are on LJ.

Good to hear you are around still. I'll check out wordpress. I'm not sure how many forums I can cope with though!
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