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fleabite
17 December 2009 @ 04:29 pm
My lovers.

Vince.

A safe home.

A job that gives me financial security.

Health.

At the radical independent bookfair on saturday lots of people i liked seemed pleased to see me too.

Anarchist federation and good comrades both locally and nationally.

My brain.

Most of my family, and their health, happiness and loves.
 
 
fleabite
17 December 2009 @ 04:23 pm
Snow!  But no time to enjoy it.

Being really messed around at work with my shifts.  I'm absolutely fine doing nights once I get into the routine of it, but for last 2 weeks, and for next couple I've been having mixed up shifts, with 1 or 2 nights, followed by 1 or 2 days.  Shifts last from 7:45 to 8:30 (45 minute overlap between shifts starting/ending for handover) and I do 3 a week.  I'm feeling really run down.

I had an amazing 10 days in Switzerland with P.  It also involved NO WORK OR RESPONSIBILITIES FOR 9 DAYS!!! :)  We hadn't seen each other for 3 months, so it was amazing to reconnect.

I'm dealing with wibbles around N and his London lover of 12 months.  They're silly wibbles (is there any other sort?) and yes, I'n trying to be gentle with myself as I process.  Its totally from my insecurity about being a bad partner/friend.  So self development ongoing on that one.  N is being very sweet about it, and making lots of effort to show me he cares in ways I need which is different from how he feels loved (he is much more about verbalising, which I've had to learn to do!)

L and I continue to work on our rship.  I still think shes lovely, but we're having some issues that need work.  Both of us are wrung out from other aspects of our lives which isn't helping, but I think we're both intelligent, self aware and interested in self development and committed to working on our rship so I have hopes we'll survive and be stronger for it. :)

I feel overall tired, low energy, like I'm slogging along a treadmill with the niceness of the folks in my life making it bearable.  My flat is out of control, but I lack the energy or commitment to myself to sort it.  eg Still no proper cooker 13 months after I had the money/space to get one.  My flat in general is both the best home I've had, and suffering from my own lazyness and selfsaboutage.  It is full of things that make me feel guilty for not sorting.  As is my life in general, espec politics and L. I still feel overstretched by my life.

I really hope to sort out a workplan so that I regain some balance.  I feel like my life is already stressful and overfilled with commitments.  Thats before adding in three 12.5 hour shifts a week that I have no control over the timing of.  In Feb I hope to go "permanent bank" which means I phone the nurse bank saying "I can work on Tuesday, are there any shifts anywhere in Glasgow" and they (mostly) say yes.  It will mean I lose continuity of patient care and guarantee of work, but I should gain actual time off.  I'd much much rather have less money but some more time just now.

I went to a public health v academic lecture at the uni last week.  Really enjoyed it.  Liked the brain exercise/food.  Current medium term plan is to start a diploma/maybe masters in public health in september.  I'll have to keep working 1 or 2 shifts a week but it'll be worth it.  P will almost certainly be doing a computer security masters at the same uni staring sept as well, so we can be study buddies.  In the longrun it will hopefully enable me to get some cool health promoting/public health job that will be less shift based and give me more predictability about when I'm working, though I will miss having 4 days off a week.
 
 
fleabite
23 November 2009 @ 10:22 pm
Tomorrow I will be sending money to a friend and his family in Rafah, Gaza, Palestine. If more money is sent, he will be able to also distribute it to other families.

They are desperate for money for the very basics - food, water, fuel. If you want to also send money, please let me know asap. You can email me glasgowpoly@gmail.com or leave a comment here. I need to know by lunchtime tomorrow (Tuesday)

Cheers
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fleabite
23 October 2009 @ 09:56 pm
Key ID C7C7D170 "Alice <sei531@yahoo.com>" Let me know if you have any probs finding me.

In case I've pasted my public key below the cut.

Fingerprint is 29D1 09BB 86C8 12D5 876D 63BD A479 085C C7C7 D170

My Public KeyCollapse )
 
 
fleabite
30 September 2009 @ 02:08 pm
Its been so long I don't know where to start.

An old friend killed himself a week after my last post.
Here's what I posted on his facebook pageCollapse )

The summer continued.  Mostly characterised by work and short holidays with lovers.  There was also another school occupation.

Work continues to be stressful, hard, challenging.  I felt very frustrated with myself for not being good enough.  Partly its because I'm comparing myself against nurses that have been doing it for years.  Partly I'm genuinely not great and still learning.  As I feel more competent, work is being less draining but I still have horrible shifts where I even miss my breaks and still don't feel I've stayed on top of everything.  I'm asking for, and getting, more support now.  I'm also moving wards again in 3 weeks as I'm on a rotation program.

Holidays with lovers were...lovely. :) 

Spent a week in Switzerland with Paolo.  He's also been here twice for 9 days each time.

Lisa and I had a lovely cycling holiday to beautiful Deeside.  She showed me places that she'd loved when living in Aberdeen.  It was over too quickly.  There were challenges and hard times, but it was really really good to spend time with her.  Especially incredible was cycling through a huge area of native forest, and hanging out in our accommodation - a very cosy wooden A frame nestled in a bend in a river.  We could hear the water gurgling all night.  I'd bought paniers for the trip and it was very sweet to have the bikes (and camping stove) just outside the hut, and a lovely 6 mile ride into town to collect supplies.

Nick and I had a road trip for my birthday week - this time to explore North West Scotland.  We took in Skye and then headed along the Wester Ross coastal road, through some of the most stunning scenery I've ever enjoyed, including round Applecross.  We had a pop up tent - they actually work!  I really liked being able to be a bit spontaneous with where we slept each night - no wild camping though, just camp sites so we had showers in the morning.  Loch Caron was one of my favourites.  We saw tond of wildlife, including an eagle up high, and close by we saw a kestrel - twice!  Red squirrels, pretty little birds.  I really want to explore the area on foot with more time to get into the landscape.

Fasted on Sun/Mon for Yom Kippur.  Had a good fast with really interesting people and broke it with the yummiest cup of tea of the year.

So this is me now, end of September.  I realised a while back I was draining myself by not giving myself any time to myself.  Trying to build that back into my week.  Also, again for my own peace of mind as well as for more obvious reasons, I need to still be active politically.  I've started doing more Anarchist stuff plus residents association development.

I missed polyday due to lack of energy, timing (Yom Kippur weekend), V&A being out of London meaning I had one less temptation to go down, plus Paolo was around and we always seem to find more than enough to entertain ourselves with. ;)

I've also been out of touch with lots of people that I'd like to be in better contact with.  I haven't even seen my family since December! 
 
 
 
fleabite
28 May 2009 @ 02:32 pm
* Vince and Anna's nonwedding was lovely.  Was preceded by 4 days of shopping (not so lovely) and other organising work.  On the day, they felt everything happened around them without them being aware of how or needing to worry about it themselves - so job done then for us on the organising team! :)  The organising team was mostly their ex's (primarily me and Andy (Anna's ex)) as well as Anna's family.  I still managed to enjoy the day.  The service itself was beautiful.  We were sat in 2-3 concentric circles under a massive tree.  It was a Quaker service so mostly was sat in silence.  It was incredibly moving hear them speak their declarations of love and respect for each other.  Is there anything more beautiful than witnessing someone you love be in a fulfilling, loving relationship?  They really grok each other and their love stems from that, not from some projected "perfect" image of each other.  It makes me very very happy to see Vince (who I've known/loved for over a decade) seen for all of who he is by Anna, and clearly adored and respected for all of that.

The next day I had some brief wibbles to do with fears of losing his friendship / being excluded triggered by really silly issues (I'm not in any of the "official" photos, partly due to running an errand (the milk had been left behind!) and because they had "family" in the later photos - it was being not included as family that rather childishly really hurt).  After I'd got over the acute painful phase, I had a productive chat with him where we agreed he would spend some alone time with me. :)

* Flying to Switzerland was the predictable unpleasant experience that having to comply with security, state control, officialdom, and then the flight itself was always going to be.

Its lovely to be here though.  Had lots of supportive, loving contact with both Lisa and Nick in the past week, both wishing me well for my time with Paolo.  Thats just meant I feel bathed in blessings - to have such amazing people in my life in such a meaningful way.  Is really good to be able to be there for them as well.  I feel so priviledged.  So honoured.  I can't wait to see them again next week.

Its really good to spend time with Paolo.  Because of the long distance thing, the time we have together can be utterly self absorbed without needing to worry about it being unsustainable.  Sleep and projects and contact with other people can wait until next week.
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Current Location: switzerland
Current Mood: lovedloved
 
 
fleabite
14 May 2009 @ 12:18 am
Yes, I'm rubbish at keeping this updated.

* Nearly finished my first proper nurse post - I'm on a medical rotation so I move wards every 4 months.  I'm looking forward to the change.

* Have been really busy.  Like super busy.  The last couple of weeks I've been better at being disciplined and taking some time out for myself which has been good.  March and April were crazy.

* Spent (too brief) time with longdistance friends end of April.  Visited skibbley and E as part of a trip to Nottingham for AF conference.  A couple of days later earwigmc  stopped by on his travels. 

* Managed to go to Shul on Saturday for first time in many many months.  It felt really good and nourishing.  Must make more of an effort to go at least monthly.  I get so much out of it.

* Both my new lovers are very delicious.  I feel ridiculously blessed.  Things with N are good too.  I'm having some poly wibbles regarding his new girlf but I'm ok with that, and working through it.  They're to do with some longterm insecurities I have and am working on and so the wibbles are almost a good thing as they provide material for my own self development.  I'm also confident that they will pass with time.

* Politically, I've been involved with a two week school occupation and ongoing campaign against the council closing primary schools in Glasgow.  I've been very excited and vitalised by this struggle - my energy levels rose so much I was skipping and running about which made me realise that I'd normalised to feeling drained and tired for years!  I'm still active within Anarchist Federation and feel very politically at home here.

I wrote a long thing in a park in April, but I'll pop it under a cut - its quite depressing and rambly.  I wrote it because I was sat in a park, with beautiful trees around me, and folks enjoying each other's company, and everything was so beautiful that I became melancholy over the stark contrast between the incredible potential of the world and humanity versus the destruction of the the planet, communities and people's lives that we actually have.  More under the cut below.

How are you all doing?  The weather here is suddenly gorgeous - its my favourite combination of blue skies and wind.  Very energising for me.


Read more...Collapse )

 
 
fleabite
12 April 2009 @ 08:32 am
I actually wrote this back in January as an email to a poly list.  I'm just posting it up here now as I don't have much of me actually writing about poly on my journal.  Please note that since Jan my relationships have changed.  I now have 4 lovers, 2 of whom are new, 1 of which is of six years, as well as an ever evolving but currently "on hold" relationship with a lover of 10 years.


Ten Years Poly

Its definitely been hard work in places, but right now I am in a
situation where my glasses are very rose tinted.  Defining my
relationship style as poly has definitely been right for me.  It
hasn't meant adopting a relationship template (as I first
thought/hoped!) and every single relationship in that time has been
different, and required different discussions, negotiations and
agreements.

Some have broken up due to the other person not being able to cope
with poly, and me not being willing to let go of existing/future
relationships for them.

Polyamory has forced me to have healthy, adult, communicative
relationships; this has been immensely rewarding.  I've learned about
other people, about myself, I've deepened and grown because of the
very process.  In addition I've experienced delightful frubbles and
metafrubbles as well as being able to express my love with more than
one person.

The wibbles have proved to be both transient and educative.

Poly for me now does not mean the same as it did ten years ago.  Back
then it was simple and with nothing up for compromise.  It was an
unbending statement of what any lover of mine would have to deal with
if they got involved with me.  It was equally unbending regarding what
emotions I would allow from myself.

Now it is about a journey between humans - fragile, growing,
developing, occasionally fucking up, adults.  All individuals coming
from different places with different baggage as well as different
ideas, expectations and gifts.  The journey is not along a constant
straight road - the path sometimes narrows with little contact between
us, or we walk together constantly hand in hand at other times.  It is
unpredictable, and there is no simple indicator of "progress" such as
a traditional dating => living together => commitment ceremony =>
having children.  These days progress is about everyone growing and
communicating and supporting each other as appropriate.

I am deeply in love with more than one person.  I am excited about
several others with whom I have love seedlings.  I am very close to
many who previously were lovers.
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fleabite
10 April 2009 @ 05:22 pm
For the 8 days of Pesach we eat Matzoh instead of bread.  Matzoh is this rather plain, hard to digest thin cracker stuff. Its what you get if you just mix flour and water and flatten it out and then put it in the oven in less than 18 minutes.  Along with millions of Jews around the world, I am not eating anything made of grain except matzoh. [0]

But its glorious!

For 8 days I eat it to celebrate that my ancestors chose shitty bread and freedom rather than complacency and oppression.

I eat it and think of how impossible it must have seemed back then that a motley group of slaves would escape from the great Egyptian empire.  I do not believe it was some external G-d that freed us, but our inner G-d - our own human souls that give us the fire and resolve and passion to better our lives and the lives of our fellow humans.

For 2 nights I sat at seder tables with other Jews.  We discussed the great story, and obeyed the dictat to relive it - that every generation should consider ourselves personally freed from Egypt.  Egypy in Hebrew means many things but includes all that, internally and externally, which binds us, confines us.  What confines us today?  How can we also throw off, grow, develop and make ourselves free?

The first night I was with 2 other hippy/radical/Anarchist Jews and I really enjoyed the discussion of inner divinity, of freedom, of challenging oppression, of feminism and creating a better world.  We finally started eating sometime after 1am!  I got to bed at 4am.  The second night I was hosted by a chasidic Rabbi and it was an interesting contrast.  THis time I learned more of traditional meanings, symbology and stories.

"Listen Israel, the lord is G-d, the lord is One"  This is the great Jewish declaration of faith.  It speaks to me of how the lord which we should listen to and follow is that inner divine, that inner voice that burns and speaks truly and drives us to do good.  And that inner divine is One - it unites all of humankind.

So - to shitty bread and freedom!  Humans have always fought against oppression, always sought freedom and better lives.  In the past huge liberations were achieved against tremendous odds.  Now its our turn.





[0] Many Jews also will be much more strict, only using special "kosher for pesach" foods and toiletries for the whole time.  All other foods will be either removed from their homes, or put in special cupboards legally "sold" temporarily for 8 days.
 
 
fleabite
* Work is going better.  Feeling more confident.  Mixed feelings about the ward I'm in just now (medical receiving) and I'm only there for another 6 weeks, then I'm moving to a respiratory ward for another 4 months.

* Had two exciting, delicious, long time in the coming new relationships start within days of each other 3 weeks ago.  Intense and crazy timing.  Bit overwhelming.  Double dose of NRE on top of already busy life.  But both are delicious (and very very different) and I'll just have to make my life work!

* Been involved in a rather cool school occupation