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23 May 2010 @ 03:36 am
Life sucks and then ...  
the person who said he was going to be your life partner forever finds that his new relationship is more shiney.  And then they go off and make life plans together, and their plans together within months become more important than any dreams he and I had together.  And my (now ex) life partner and his girlfriend, both intelligent adults, claim that neither of them thought that this downgrading of my rship with him to "well we'll be living together. with kids, and I'll see you 3 days a week, childcare permitting" would make me feel like utter disposable shit.  Something to pick up and put down as he sees fit, rather than an integral part of his life.  To be clear, I'd said for many months that I was happy to live in a big house with all of us having separate rooms.  And for years my shared dream with Nick, was that we'd live together in a big house with other people and that was something we'd talked about for the future.

To protect the small vestiges of self respect I have remaining, we split up yesterday.  It had already got to the point where every hug, every "I love you" and every goddamned time his facebook picture oppped up I felt this deep wrench of pain at not being good enough for him.  That even after everything we'd been through he'd put so little effort, and even then so grudgingly, into our relationship.  While simultaneously being more and more wrapped up in their relationship.

They have their freedom now. They can go make their precious life together without awkward me clinging round their necks being "over emotional and irrational"  Why on earth would I be scared that my lifepartner wanted to get married, have babies and live exclusively with someone else?  Why on earth would I feel that they'd squeezed me out of his life?
Puzzlepuzzle_ on May 23rd, 2010 07:50 am (UTC)
As said elsewhere....

Sorry. Wish there were adequate words.
(Anonymous) on May 23rd, 2010 12:28 pm (UTC)
Our capacity for survival is strong alice and even this you'll get through and life will still be full of amazing things. I speak from dusting myself down many times. You'll get there too.
take care
fleabitesei531 on June 5th, 2010 01:28 am (UTC)
Re: ....
fleabitesei531 on June 5th, 2010 01:27 am (UTC)
i think feeling less alone because you'd commented was best thing you could have given me.

read this when you posted it, but was finding it hard to communicate at that point. it was really good to feel like folks cared and was useful to read though.